How Brown Creek Got Brown
 

Chaw-terbacky Johnson wuz a lovable feller, 
Had ambeer lips (all brown an' yeller) 
Frum chawin' terbacky till th' cud wuz meller 
An' spittin' on time at thirty-second intervals apart. 
 
Story goes he once met up with a bear, 
An' fer twenty-nine seconds they both stood there 
Till that thirty-second blast caught ol' bear square 
In th' head, 'twixt th' eyes, 'bove th' nose, an' he hauled cart.

He'd expel that stuff till it lay in a pool, 
"Ambeer", th' mark uv a spittin' fool, 
Th' glistenin', bronze-colored chawin' man's drool, 
Th' fluid projectile that chimes th' brassen spittoon. 
 
"'S th' feller kin spit's uh man!" He'd elide. 
An' he'd masticate that plug with pride 
Till th' golden dribble would ooze an' slide 
Down 'is chin, an' he'd grin as he flaunted th' liquid festoon. 
 
But a master he wuz, that we couldn't deny. 
A marksman of spittle, a spittin' deadeye! 
No target eluded a "Phffft" he'd let fly. 
No bottle, no can, no beast er no man got away. 
 
He wuz th' champ, not challenged or met, 
Th' king o' th' cud, th' top o' th' set, 
An' he plied 'is trade daily lest any ferget, 
Shootin' flies offa pies in th' widder Smith's winnder each day.

One day a stranger (a stinkard most rank) 
Reeked into town frum along th' creek bank 
Scuzzed as a hawg an' Lord, how he stank, 
'Possum-eyed, lantern-jawed, pug-nosed, bald headed an' fat. 
 
But he had a jaw you wouldn't believe, 
An' a chin that he frequently wiped on 'is sleeve. 
Kinda made uh feller wanna sneak out'n leave, 
But we stopped an' flopped an' held our noses an' heeded 'is chat. 
 
Ever'time 'e spoke his jaws'd jiggle 
An' 'em elephant ears'd both start t' wiggle, 
But nary a man let slip with a giggle; 
Didn't dare stir the air fer fear it'd come our way. 
 
With ever' two words he'd have t' spit, 
An' we'd strain t' refrain frum a laughin' fit 
Till we figgered our wishbones were all gonna split 
Frum watchin' that jelly-like belly an how it'd sway.

We had t' do somethin' t' git 'im outta there 
'Cause he wuz pollutin' our clean mountain air. 
Whatever it took, be it foul er fair, 
We'd welcome any kinda suggestion that'd do th' trick. 
 
Then somebody yelled, "Let's have uh contest 
T' find out which o' these chawers is best, 
An' this little feller kin be our guest... 
Somebody git Chaw-terbacky, an' git 'im here quick." 
 
So Chaw-terbacky come-a sashayin' in 
With uh trickle uv ambeer 'neath 'is chin. 
He sized up th' stinkard, an' th' stinkard sized him 
An' two jaws twitched with an itch that no man could soothe. 
 
Then we set up uh shootin' match down by th' creek 
To determine th' man with th' strongest cheek 
An' th' deadliest lip beneath 'is beak 
Fer spittin' an' hittin' a flittin' target a-move.

Chaw-terbacky said that it warn't no job; 
His lips could expel an enormous blob 
That'd dislodge a fly frum a sassafras stob 
At forty-three feet down th' street while eatin' cold stew. 
 
But th' stench, he boasted that he could outdo it, 
(If th' contest wuz stinkin' he could, an' we knew it) 
He swore he could stuff in a pound plug an' chew it 
‘Nen splatter three sour-gnats off th' same stob with one spew. 
 
But ol' C.T. wuz th' one single pride 
Possessed by th' town we had named Cowhide, 
An' that's what inspired us all t' decide 
T' bet our pay that day on th' masticatin' match at th' creek. 
 
'Twas a day unexcelled fer chaw terbacky spittin' 
An' all o' th' folks frum th' holler were sittin' 
'Neath cucumber trees t' keep frum gittin' smitten 
By th' spew that flew frum b'tween two chawin' men's cheeks.

Fer uh target, we selected a square-bottomed firkin 
That somebody stole frum farmer McGurkin, 
An' hung it just above where th' water wuz perkin', 
On uh vine in uh line frum behind two willowy trees. 
 
We waited fer th' line t' be shot in two 
By th' local expert on mountain dew 
Who wuz luggin' 'is jug about uh mile er two 
Down th' creek t' seek uh high peak from which he could see. 
 
Th' two contestants, in th' mornin' light, 
Were chawin' their cuds with all their might, 
Workin' up ammunition fer th' comin' fight, 
Spittin' shots inta pots on spots forty paces away. 
 
Th' wind wuz uhsnooze an' th' leaves were still 
On th' trees that embowered that rollickin' rill, 
An' th' silence uv th' gapin' crowd wuz filled 
By th' sloshin' an' squashin' uv terbacky-stuffed jaws in play. 

Then th' time wuz come, an' th' shot rang out, 
Th' bullet cut th' vine an' bounced about 
T' separate th' hair in th' stranger's snout, 
An' while he wuz cussin' Chaw-terbacky pumped spit like mad. 
 
C.T. hit that firkin three times 
'Fore it dropped down t' th' water line, 
An' th' stranger cut loose with a volley o' slime 
That hit with a "splitt" an' uh "splatt" you could hear fer a mile. 
 
But C.t. warn't slackin' off one bit, 
Them educated lips were slingin' that spit 
Like pine needles fallin' when uh hurricane hit, 
An' that firkin wuz jerkin' an' spinnin' like uh greased turnstile. 
 
While we were all watchin' th' spittin' contest 
Th' shooter that started this whole blamed mess 
Tipped over a jug of his mountain best 
Which trickled an' pickled all th' extry terbacky that wuz left.

The ambeer kings (who wouldn't slow down) 
Shoved th' stuff in their jaws fer th' second round, 
An' only th' stranger gave a hint uv a frown 
When 'e got uh stiff whiff frum th' sack as 'e gave it uh heft. 
 
But 'e packed 'is jaws with th' reeky stuff 
(Plus a pinch t' make sure he'd stuffed uhnuff) 
Then 'e wiped 'is lip with uh dirty cuff, 
An' with a loud guffaw 'e jawed 'is chaw t' work up another load uv spit. 
 
Now Chaw-terbacky, who'd already been 
Workin' on a pound er two he'd stuffed in 
Wuz gittin' back down t' competition agin 
As ambeer flew like spew frum a crew uv sperm-whales havin' uh fit. 
 
We began t' notice, bye an' bye, 
That th' marksmen were losin' their spittin' eye 
As little stray spittle globs spluttered by 
T' hit with a splat on th' flat whur we sat long th' creek. 

Then ambeer flew, an' ambeer hit 
An' th' banks o' th' creek were covered with spit 
As the oozy brown slime soaked into th' grit 
Of th' sand till th' strongest man uv us grew weak. 
  
Ol' Jim Brown got hit in the eye 
An' crashed t' th' ground with uh turrible cry, 
While Parson Pete gave out with uh sigh 
An' sunk to 'is knees with uh wheeze an' uh "Save us now!" 
 
Th' brown glop dripped frum th' maple leaves 
Till th' birds slid off th' twigs in th' trees, 
Then it really got bad when Chaw-terbacky sneezed 
An' uh fog of dirty brown smog polluted the air! 
 
We couldn't breathe an' we couldn't see,  
An' we slipped an' we slid when we tried t' flee, 
So we all got down on our hands an' knees 
An' bawled an' crawled through th' brush t' git outta there. 
 
Then the ambeer mist that hung all about 
Got t' ticklin' th' stranger's snout 
Till th' fat little feller gave uh heave an' uh shout 
An' blew his chew plum through th' cowhide woods! 
 
It wuz like uh load frum uh giant gun, 
An' it cut down trees an' it hid th' sun 
Till there warn't no place fer uh feller t' run, 
An' we thought we'd bought th' spot on which we stood. 
 
But bye'n bye, th' storm blew over 
Leavin' acres an' acres uv sticky brown clover 
An' one little hairless dawg named Rover 
Who'd made th' mistake uv gittin' in th' wake o' that blast. 
 
Then, one by one we all stood up 
Wonderin' if we looked like that pup, 
An' hopin' nuthin' else wuz gonna erupt, 
Nauseously cautious till certain that th' danger wuz past.

Th' fat little stranger wuz blown away, 
An' th' recoil got Chaw-terbacky, they say, 
So th' bets we made we didn't hafta pay, 
An' we're glad (though sad that Chaw-terbacky ain't here anymore). 
 
We slipped an' slid back into Cowhide 
Whur we planted ol' Rover, who finally died; 
Th' only dawg ever t' git ambeered alive 
By uh supersonic tonic frum uh sneeze in uh chaw-terbacky war. 
 
If we could recall who it wuz that suggested 
That them two chawers should be contested 
We'd bury him deep in uh "single-breasted" 
An' sit an' spit on 'is tombstone every day! 
 
'Cause the ambeer soaked th' Cowhide ground 
So thick, so much, so durned fur down 
That th' crystal waters of th' creek turned brown, 
An' so it's been since when it got that way. 
 
Whenever one uv us looks into that stream 
We can't help turnin' uh sickly green 
Frum uh thing we wish we'da never seen, 
Recallin' with uh frown, th' day Brown Creek got Brown.

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